Month 3: Robots

JD:

As the Commander opens the exit hatch, the sounds of the nearby culling create a relaxing ambience for us to enjoy.

The Commander hands me some sacks and tells me to pick a house, whilst he and Bond wait outside.

“Of course, Sir. Just one question, if you please. What exactly would you like me to put into these… charmingly rustic sacks?”

I presume NOT any humans, since the darts are more than capable of beaming those up.

Meanwhile, Bond notices the Commander checking the surroundings, and proceeds to copy him, in a much more dramatic fashion. He holds a stunner pistol in both hands, moving his arms about at 90 degree angles. I do have to wonder who exactly he is trying to impress, with the Queen so far away. Unless this is more ‘practice’?

The Commander:

"Whatever do you mean 231? Do you not remember our conversation on the ship?"

I ask before allowing my head to droop down as I let out a low groan of exasperation.

Very well..

"Bond wait outside while I show 231 what to do."

I command before glancing over at his dramatic display.

........

"This way.."

I lead 231 to a nearby house and towards an area which seemed to smell best.

This must be where they store their food?

I think to myself,  as I briefly remember eating an apple once in my childhood.

I open a cabinet door and find a container filled with something or other resembling small brown seeds.

I toss it into the bag.

I check the countertop and discover a round substance, also brown but smelling of fruit.

I toss it into the bag as well, making a mess inside.

"Nice smelling things go inside the bag."

I think.

"These are what humans eat. We will see if our Queen can eat these too."

I glance over at 231 hoping he understood now.

JD:

The Commander tells me that humans eat nice smelling things. I wonder why they always seem so grim and smelly then?

But of course such fragrant sustenance should instead go to our lovely Queen!

“As you say, Commander!”

I joyfully ‘hop to it’, as they say, to begin my mission.

I make my way around the house, lifting my mask whenever an item’s smell is ambiguous.

Why, these humans live such messy lives! One room in particular contains such a mixture of materials! On the one hand, there is a small slippery bar of one of the nicest smelling items in the house. On the other, there is a brown smelling substance which smells absolutely foul!    I keep my hands well away, careful not to taint my sack with its disgusting essence!

In one of the rooms, curled up in the corner, I chance upon a few humans. I walk over to them, and they begin to shake violently.

(Random kid): “P-please don’t eat us!”

One by one, I lean in and give them all a sniff. NONE of them pass the test, so none get placed in my sack!

Once I have thoroughly pilfered everything worth taking from the wooden hovel, I return to the Commander.

“All finished, Sir! Would you like to check the items now? Or shall we move on to the next endeavour, whatever that may be?”

*Meanwhile, Bond uses his super dextrous hands to steal a bouquet of wildflowers from the sack. Jean will get them of course, but not in tea form *

JD’s Nice Smelling Things for Jean’s Special ‘Tea’!

Whenever the Commander checks the bag, this is what he finds. If he wants to stay uneaten, he might want to be a little selective with the final ingredients!

(In no particular order)

-A jar of honey
-A bar of floral soap
-A plate of cinnamon cookies (still warm)
-A sandalwood scented candle
-A box of mixed berries
-A bouquet of wildflowers
-A loaf of bread
-A rose powder compact
-A joint of smoked ham
-Freshly laundered bed linens
-A whole pumpkin

The Commander:

I look into 231's sac unsure.

It looks fine to me?

Not that I am particularly confident what all human food looks like.

Such diversity in their nourishment. I wonder why?

"Perhaps, another sac full."

I speculate not entirely sure how much to get.

I pass 231 another sac, while taking the full one to carry myself, completely missing Bond take the flowers.

"How about this house next?"

I suggest to 231, finding its aroma particularly pleasant **it's a book shop **

Bond:

I’ve checked the perimeter, like, twenty times now! I’ve got the moves down, but now I want to be more helpful!

After I snag the flowers, I step in before JD can reply to the Commander.

“I’LL go!”

I don’t know what the mission is about, but using my stellar logic, I figure that we’re getting the Queen a bunch of cool presents!

I grab the sack and get to work!

I have no clue what this building is supposed to be. Doesn’t look like a human house, and it’s filled with weird rectangles and tubes. Those are all NOT cool, but I do manage to track down some nifty stuff!

I take it out and show it to the Commander and JD. JD sniffs the bag.

(JD): “I don’t smell anything, pleasant or otherwise.”

I don’t see WHY that’s relevant?


Bond’s Sack of Cool Stuff from the Bookshop

-A quill
-A kaleidoscope
-A cushion embroidered with a kitten
-A mini armillary sphere
-An umbrella
-A fire poker
-A feather hat

The Commander:

Bond takes over 231's mission before I had a chance to DENY HIM.

Nooo

I shake my head at his list of items in exasperation.

The culling was nearly over and we hadn't the time to loot another building.

"This way!"

I hiss before leading the way back to the shuttle hoping we had ENOUGH.

"231 start up the ship and take us back to the hive. Again, I remind the both of you to keep our mission here a secret!"

I shove one of the sacs into a crate before taking the other one from Bond and doing the same.

"Once we are back at the hive, 231 I will require your further assistance. Where exactly is it that you make the Queen's tea?"

Bond:

The Commander CANNOT believe all the cool stuff I got for the Queen, I can tell! He doesn’t even see the point of getting another sack himself, it’s THAT good!

Once we’re back on the shuttle, he reminds us to keep the mission a secret. It’s a good job he said, because I had no clue we were supposed to keep this on the down-low. I would have been a little less dramatic with my pose practicing outside the house.

“But we still get to give her our own presents ourself, right?”

I don’t want some other guy taking credit for all my gifts! OR the flowers I stole!

(JD): “If I may, sir, having Bond present his… items to the Queen would allow us to work in peace. And relieve 232 of his duty, for which he is long overdue.”

*He also mentally shows the Commander where the tea is made. It is a small lab, rarely used by Jean or any scientist, thoroughly scrubbed clean and with no strange chemicals lying around.*

“Can I give mine first? Can I can I can I?”

The Commander:

I eye the eager young Wraith along with his questionable gifts for our Queen.

I do not believe he truly understands her overall temperament.

I think to myself while looking over the "kitten pillow" in displeasure.

Nonetheless, 231's logic was sound.

"Very well Bond, you will be the first to present your items to the Queen. In the meantime, 231 and myself will be attending to other matters."

I truly hoped for his sake 232 has left her in a better mood.

(To 231) ((When we board the hive, take me to this lab of yours so we can begin preparing the nourishment for our Queen's consumption.))

I command while wondering over to the crate of human food in thought.

JD:

(Bond): “Yay!”

He runs off as soon as we arrive to go and find her.

“Let us hope she doesn’t tire of his company too quickly…”

I know I have certainly had my fill. Then again, had I endured 232’s company for this amount of time, any other presence would be an improvement.

Meanwhile, I lead the Commander to the lab. As well as my pristine tea set – stolen from human royalty– there are samples of herbs and flowers. Not roses of course, given their unfortunate connection to a rival hive…

I deposit the sack onto one of the lab benches, and begin to take out the items, so they can be displayed individually.

“How may I assist Sir in the preparation? Do you have instructions… a ‘recipe’?”

I believe that is the human word for scientific preparations.

The Commander:

"Agreed."

I say in response to 231's initial comment before analyzing each item spread out on the lab bench.

231 asks if I have a recipe.

"I do not."

I give him a pained expression.

"Perhaps we should.. combine the items that smell best together?"

My face then lights up with an idea.

"And test our concoctions on the prisoners first! Should they find our mixtures pleasing I am sure our Queen will!"

Hopefully..

JD:

I do approve of the Commander’s plan to run tests, for the sake of the Queen’s health. But what a treat for the prisoners, getting to have such a royal meal!

“As you say, Sir. Would it be best to test each of the ingredients? Or shall we wait and test only the final blend?”

As I place the items out of the sack, I shriek as I open a metal compact and see ROSE petals!

“AH!”

I throw it to the floor, stamping on it multiple times! Pleasant smelling or not, I would NOT wish for my Queen to think that I would ever serve the rose queen, or her thorny sister!

Once the metal box breaks, I turn back to the Commander as if nothing untoward has happened.

“Has Sir reached a decision?”

The Commander:

I raise my eyebrows at 231's moment but say nothing in response.

"We should test each ingredient separately then eliminate the least pleasing ingredients."

I think about mixtures and shrug.

"We will then do that same for the mixtures."

Hopefully this process does not eliminate the majority of the food.

We only have one bag after all no thanks to Bond.

I think to myself rather irritated.

Random Human Prisoner:

A few of us are ushered from our creepy cell, through a creepy corridor, and into a creepy room that vaguely looks like a kitchen.

We overhear the wraith, and look to each other in surprise. When we told we were being taken somewhere to ‘be fed’ on a hive ship, this was NOT what we were expecting.

We are lined up, so that we can ‘test’ each ingredient. I eye the candle and an ENTIRE bed sheet. Wraith really think that can be eaten?!

“We could just… tell you what we can eat…”

(Another prisoner): “I’m a ch-ch-chef, I could make d-d-dinner?”

“IF you let us go home after!”

If we’re making dinner, we aren’t going to be dessert!

The Commander:

Moments after the test subjects arrive they are quick to start demanding their release.

It was truly hilarious that they believed they were in any position to negotiate.

I smile at 231 in amusement before turning to address them.

"Very well, tell us what you know, recreate a few of your best recipes and we promise to let you go."

I pull out a device ready to take notes for our perusal.

"Why don't you start us off by sorting which of the items on the lab bench are edible?"

JD:

One of the humans is very mouthy.

(Random Human Prisoner): “Whoa whoa whoa, slow down gents! I’m a trader, and I know a thing or two about negotiation. How do we know you won’t just eat us after we help you out? We aren’t gonna lift a finger, until you make it worth our while!”

The human that claimed to be a ‘chef’, whatever that is, slowly lowers the jar of honey she was examining.

((Not very cooperative, are they sir?))

I do not bother suggesting a course of action, since I trust that the Commander, with all his years of experience, will be able to handle the situation.

The Commander:

If I were certain the Queen's reaction would be favorable to our experimenting than I would request that she force them all to our will.

Alas, that is not the case..

"What do you propose?"

I question the poisoner, unsure how we could guarantee such a thing without their trust either way.

Random Human Prisoner:

*Is low-key kinda surprised he’s still breathing, but takes that as a GOOD SIGN*

“Well… having this meeting on our home turf would be a good start.”

(Chef): “T-that way we could get more ingredients! Herbs, s-spices! Make you something r-real tasty! A proper t-three course meal!”

WHY these wraith want our food I do not know, but I’m not going to question it, and I don’t think anyone else wants to either.

The Commander:

"Very well, we will prepare a shuttle and take you back to your planet."

(To 231) ((Hopefully their food is worth the added inconvenience.))

I instruct drone 528 to make arrangements so we can leave as soon as possible, make the food, then cull the human captives back to our hive after our "act" is over.

JD:

I do wonder what our Queen would think of us returning humans to a planet, especially given their current rarity. It is not my place to ask… yet ask I do.

((Sir, if I may, are you intending to stick to your bargain with these… creatures?))

The humans certainly seem to think so. Their mood improves markedly as we leave the hive, and even more so once we reach the surface of the planet.

The other humans on the planet stare agape as people COME BACK after being culled.

(Random human prisoner): “It’s ok! We’re not wraith worshippers! These wraith are different somehow, they want us to make them food, and then they’ll leave us in peace.”

(Chef human): “Well, I should be off… t-to get the food…”

The Commander:

(To 231) ((No of course not, this is an act on our part and I am sure they are going to try something as well. If you sense any sudden movement or attempts to run stun them.))

I instruct as we arrive on the planet.

The chef tries to leave.

"Not without 584."

I send another drone with him in case he tries anything funny.

"We also require the nourishment in liquid form!"

I call out again and fold my arms at the other humans.

The chef was fully intending on doing a runner, but now she is lugged with a drone, she changes tactics.

She pours her HEART and SOUL into making food good enough to SPARE HER LIFE (and everyone else’s)! All in liquid form of course.

For starters, she presents a creamy tomato soup:



For the main course, a hearty beef broth:



And finally, for dessert, a steaming bowl of bright yellow custard:



Unlike the chef’s blind faith, the random human prisoner is ready for the wraith to go back on their word. He tries to retrieve his fire poker, only to find it missing, so he has to make do with an old walking stick. He leans on it expectantly as the chef presents her food...

The Commander:

The food smelt pleasing.

*Forces a random prisoner to taste the nourishment to make sure it wasn't POISONED.*

The food passes the test.

"231 collect the dishes . We are bringing them back ro the hive!"

I instruct.

Should the Queen enjoy the food we will be back for more, should the food prove unenjoyable everyone here is being culled! AGAIN!

Takes a bowl back to the shuttle thinking how we were going to pass this off as tea.

......

It will be up to 231 to figure that out

JD:

Well I say, I never knew tea could come in so many colours, flavours and consistencies! And made by primitive humans, no less! These planet missions are always so surprising, I do wonder what strange adventure we shall have next!

“Of course, sir!” I say in response to his order.

The dishes are loaded into the shuttle and we return home.

*After the wraith leave, the chef is hailed as the village HERO. Her food was SO good that it made the wraith spare her people and leave the planet in peace! The random human no-longer-prisoner is quick to see a good deal in the making, and offers to become her business partner. Humans far and wide will want a taste of her food, and together the pair will become rich! What a change of fortune for them both!*

I inform the Queen of our return, and pour the liquids into separate tea pots ready for her consumption. Oh, I am excited for this little tea party!

**Some time later**

Jean:

"COMMANDER!!!!"

I shriek down the hallway in a fit of despair.

"I WILL HAVE YOUR NECK FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE YOU TRAITOR!!!!!!"

How could he humiliate me in such a way? Turning the whole crew against ME!

It came as a sudden SHOCK when I had to go to the bathroom, and not in the usual way

(The Commander) "My Queen! Do try to understand-"

He approaches me in the hall, hands raised in defense.

(The Commander) "You were not feeding, starving yourself does no good to either yourself nor the crew while you complete your research!"

"I WAS HANDLING THINGS JUST FINE!"

I sobbed in humiliation.

(The Commander) "WERE YOU?!"

He speaks boldly, glancing down at my very thin frame.

"YES!!! YES I WAS!!!!!!!!"

I yell back in defiance

"I AM NOT A CHILD COMMANDER I AM YOUR QUEEN AND WHAT YOU HAVE DONE *pause* WHAT YOU MADE THE CREW DO IS, IS---"

I turn away then look back at him in tears.

"UNFORGIVABLE!"

((BOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!))

I cry out to him then remember Drone was in on it too and gasp.

I can't punish them all!

I sob and pace around trying to figure out what I was going to do.